Using Brexit to leverage change in the UK's approach for Eurovision 2017

The morning after Brexit, there was some concern among the British citizenry that exiting the EU would also mean that Britain was exiting Eurovision. Thankfully, David Cameron provided sterling leadership in a time of crisis and explained that participation in Eurovision was independent of membership in the EU.

But, what Cameron did not address is that the UK is abysmal at Eurovision. Over the last four years, it has finished no higher than 17th out of 26 countries and the music has been generally pretty insipid, even by Eurovision standards.

Here is Bonnie Tyler with a terribly cheesy song in 2013:



Someone named Molly in 2014 singing about Children of the Universe:




A complete mess in 2015:



2016 was pretty decent in my mind. Kind of Coldplayish arena stuff. But it was not well received by the other Europeans.



As a huge Anglophile when it comes to music, it bothers me to no end that the UK keeps submitting such banal songs. I know they are trying to suck up to the Eurovision votes with a "we are the world" kind of aesthetic, but every year they are soundly rejected. And after Brexit, there is no way that the UK can bring that message to Eurovision in 2017. Even if they did, they will be roundly booed for being hypocrites and will be crushed.

However, as Rahm Emmanuel says "Never let a crisis go to waste." Knowing that they are going to lose anyway, now is the opportunity for the UK to pivot away from schlocky, crappy, high-minded tracks. Other countries don't hew to the winning formula and they are incredibly more interesting.

For example, here is Cyprus's 2016 track about being a werewolf:




The better example for the UK is (unfortunately for the UK) France in 2013. This performance is so unlike any other Eurovision performance that I have ever seen. It's intense, dark, seductive, and goes completely crazy by the end. (I don't know what she is saying but I am pretty sure it's not Kumbaya.) Naturally, Europe hated it:



This is what the UK needs to bring to post-Brexit Eurovision 2017. It needs to be snarling and unapologetic. It needs to be about materialism and greed. It needs to be massive and it needs to have the potential to explode/meltdown on stage. You know where this is going.

The UK needs Oasis.

And I can't think of anything else that would cause Liam and Noel to get back together than an opportunity to melt faces at Eurovision. But, if that doesn't work, I am sure there are 100 other bellicose lad-rock bands that would be more than willing to rip it up at Eurovision. You don't often get a chance like this, UK. Make the most of it.